Let’s shine some light on this, what we all assume, awkward conversation about sex toys in the bedroom. Why does it have to be awkward or contentious? For most women, external clitoral stimulation is needed to reach climax, to give her the big “O”, to tickle her fancy, and that’s not always a given during sex. So, let’s look at sex toys as the bridge between the gap of what we get during sex and what we want but aren’t getting!
Scared to hurt your partner’s ego?
Nervous to express your sexual needs?
Scared you’ll describe your sex life as boring?
Don’t be! Wanting to try something new does not mean you aren’t satisfied in bed, it just means you are inclined to be exploratory when it comes to pleasing yourself AND your partner.
Step One: Make the conversation about BOTH of you
Don’t focus on yourself and just your sexual needs, this is a quick way to alienate your partner or put your partner on the defense. Have an open and honest line of communication going about your sex and sex experiences not just when things may be bad, but all the time. Approaching the topic should always be with a level of empathy and understanding if their reaction is not what you want.
1. I loved how it felt last night when…
2. Have you ever thought about trying a toy…?
3. I’d love to try___ with you.
Frame your desires as requests as opposed to complaints or criticisms and you will be surprised by how receptive they can be.
Step Two: Choosing an appropriate toy
You may have a treasure trove collection of sex toys for yourself (good for you!) or not, but when introducing toys into the bedroom for the first time it is best to begin with something new! You want this to be something special for the both of you, from the shopping experience to the first use of the new toy in bed. Offer to shop at a local adult store or shop online with you. Be prepared to be shot down, that’s ok, it may be overwhelming or scary and you need to embrace those feelings. Find a place you can be comfortable shopping at together (preferably one with an educated staff to discuss each toy option with you) or shop alone- just find something your partner will love.
1. C-Rings: Something small that does not drastically change your sexual routine, but magnifies the pleasure with clitoral stimulation for her and vibration through his shaft for him.
2. Bullets: They vibrate with intensity so that you can be stimulated clitorally, he can be stimulated externally like on the perineum or balls. This can be used in multiple positions as well.
3. C-Shapes: Looking to ease in a toy during penis-vagina intercourse, c-shapes are great for dual stimulation for her and him. It stimulates the clit and vibrates onto the top of his penis. A mind- blowing experience!
Step Three: Exploration Time
Now that you have the toy or toys its time for the grand finale. Bring the toy into foreplay, tantalize, and tease your partner with it and ease them into the full use of the toy. Talking is going to be an important role here, telling your partner what you like and how much it turns you on to encourage positive play and reactions. The toy should be part of the experience but not the focus. Remind your partner how much you love them, their body, their penis or vagina, their sex. You can guide your partner to your hot spots and show them you are feeling good so they stay open minded to keep or bring sex toys into future sexual routines.
While sex toys can offer a range of benefits, like broadening horizons when it comes to sexual positions, techniques, approaches, activities, and interactions, as well as opening up new pathways to pleasure and generating conversation, just remember sex toys may not work for every couple or every person. It is your choice and if it doesn’t feel like you then don’t be ashamed, it’s ok! It’s up to you!